Friday, November 23, 2007

The eye of the storm is winking at me

Greetings from the not so calm center of a crazy storm.
Ok, so I have stuff due every single day next week, including three oral presentations (not exactly my favorite thing to do), two group projects, two big papers and one research proposal for an enormous paper thats due next April. A kindred blogger posted recently about being ostrich-like and that made me think about how I deal with these stressfull times... not like an ostrich, more like a snail. I retreat into my snail-shell where I have a cozy nest of a space to sit and look out the window, practice seeing the world from my cat's point of view, go on bookish adventures and just generally shut myself away from the nasty outside world.
The outside world sure doesn't feel like my friend a lot of the time. It is nearly December and my student loans have still not been properly assessed ... even though I started the application procedure in July (well actually they keep stringing me along, saying I am refused then saying that no not really, but they are still missing documents before they can make a decision and of course they never actually SEND me this information, I have to keep calling them and getting the red tape run around). I am a little concerned that all of my schoolwork stress will be for naught, if in the end I can't actually pay my tuition. I am also trying to sort out some income tax shenanigans from 1998, that I just found out about recently, which meant that the tax refund I was counting on the help get me through this semester is being held for ransom.
Arg! Money is kind of a weird taboo thing to talk about. I've actually been meaning to write a post about it since this summer, but never get around to it. I think I am avoiding it because I am still not sure how I feel or what I want to say, just that I feel like money really messes with me. I have been making little steps towards being less afraid of dealing with money issues, I got a book (not that I've had time to read it!) and a "money tree" to inspire me. But it is so very hard to pull myself out of a money-victim mentatlity when I continually find myself in these terrible money situations. Of course it could be argued that I create those situation by thinking of myself as a victim... but that seems so unfair and cruel! And if that is so, then I am stuck in a nasty catch-22... the more it feels like the universe is toying with me, the harder it is for me to have a positive attitude about it. I really do try to be a trouper and, after the tears and the foot stamping, I find it in myself to laugh at the whole situation. I mean, it is pretty funny. Sad funny, you know. Just almost too ridiculous to be real. And so then I try to approach the situation anew, with more lightness and the attitude that "this too shall pass". It doesn't seem to matter though, the universe just keeps on sending these big kicks-in-the-teeth.
I know I will get through, I have always gotten through. I had my astrological chart done when I was young and apparently Jupiter being where it was at the moment of my birth, means that I will always be taken care of, material-needs-wise. Astrology is one of those things that I love/hate... I love the poetic notion that we are connected to the stars and the planets and the sun and the moon, in such an intimate, personal way. But I hate how goofy it can be, and how it is associated with the very worst of New Age hooey. Anyway. I have none the less always had this idea in the back of my mind, that Jupiter is SUPOSED to be looking out for me somehow, but that he is just barely doing his job. I mean, it's true, my material needs have never really gone unmet. However. I have worried about them, and my bills, debt, and finances in general every single day of my adult life. And I have mostly only been able to get by with help from those around me. If it werent for Adrien, I would be in rough(er) shape for sure. Which is a rotten blow to my idealised independant (Aquarian?) self.
So obviously this is a big part of what I am going to have really work on in this lifetime. It is one of my obstacles/opportunities to grow. I'm learning to be ok with it, I'm learning to be curious and open instead of scared and closed off. I'm learning not to simply hate the machinery of capitalism and be angry all the time that it is even an issue. I'm learning not to see money as evil or my enemy or inherently anything at all except what we make of it. I'm making friends with people who have a way healthier perspective about money. I'm facing up to my ugly tendency towards jealousy and comparison ("why don't I have that!?? It's not fair!"). I am nurturing a feeling of "plenty" rather than one of "not enough!". I am working on being a lot gentler with myself as I navigate this stormy, pirate-ladden sea of money-learning.
And all the while I am still trying to get my homework done, go to work, volunteer at the local library, eat well, find time to do the stuff I like, spend yummy quality time with Adrien (bicker-free of course), day-dream, get a good night's sleep and get some excercise once in a while. No wonder I am so stressed out.
Where's my shell again?

Ok, come on Jupiter... do your stuff!!

*photos: money tree from random google image search, astrology wood cut and Jupiter dwarfing Earth from Wikipedia.

1 comment:

  1. hi, there...

    sorry i haven't been commenting as much - i'm a stressed out crack monkey. i know you can relate...

    i needed to hear that everything will work out, tonight. thank you for that.

    and thank you for linking me! so cool. :)